One Line Poem

My grandfather was the greatest love of my life

Chaos theory

I am confusion and madness cloaked in peace and calm
A stroke of genius within a tornado of a mind
Physical limitations only help fuel my daydreams and nightmares
Terracotta heart, titanium skull
Already a diamond in the rough, so under pressure I still won't falter
I've been a daughter to two women and two men, no wonder there are varying sides of me
My DNA is more twisted than double helix headphones
Generations of brilliant but broken minds reside within me
I am often the fine line between my genius and insanity - Tightrope walker
Often, my thoughts split like atoms - explosive ideas
Like riding through a Hadron collider
I often wonder if God was behind these particles
And if he was, just how big was the bang
That resulted in this moment in time
This perfected arrangement of gravity and matter
The deaths and evolutions of galaxies
the death and evolution of species
The eventual death and evolution of me
There is a chaos that is rooted in order
I was order, born into chaos
Often the order to another's chaos and chaos to my own order
...madness in calm

Not the first - Not the last

did you hear that crack?
did my ribs snap?
was there a gaping hole where my flower pot of a heart was?
Why was there dirt under your fingernails?
Why were there lilies in her hair?

I felt hollow, for days
I remember collapsing on the floor
when you told me you wanted her back
when you told her you loved her
when you asked me to fix your broken lie

I wish I could remember the insanity that drove me
to further rip myself apart from the inside out
I lied to cover your lies
So you could tell me you loved me
and share a bed with her
So you could call me your wife
the greatest love of your life
But spend all your time with someone
'temporary"

We were broken long before I finally let go
Like in our throes of passion,
I left claw marks where I tried to hold on
On our darkest night, I tore you apart
On my darkest night, I attempted to leave you in ruins
Who knew 3000 miles could be such a blessing

As I stitched myself back together,
I left out the parts that I felt were unnecessary,
Like trust
I've never trusted another man the way I trusted you
Commitment hasn't bothered to darken my doorstep again
I tried to love another
Become a wife and mother
but I was too selfish

All he wanted was all that I was
He wanted the freedom I'd gained
All I had left was freedom

Glorious, priceless, freedom

#OccupyRevolution

We're burning down your houses of worship
Tearing your golden idols down
Melting thier meaning
Fire sparked by outrage
We no longer trust in your green gods
The paper thin fragility separating those with
From those without
The gap widening as the middle shrinks

There is no paper in education
Nothing real left in the estates
Commodities have lost stability
There is no longer stock in your options
No cooperation in corporations
What is left to trickle down
When you glutton yourselves on greed

There is just us
There has only been just us
And we have been denied the justice
We have slaved for

Our labor gives birth to a nation
And nations of wealth
We are the blackSmith(s)
We are the majority who will
Topple your minority

Ebb, flow, Flux
All good parties must end
All empires eventually fall
All those oppressed will rise

A river of change washes through these banks

There will be no more walls to protect these streets
The bulls will run
And bears will eat

We will kill the root of your evil

Strangled Silence

I'm afraid to speak my mind
To say things that need to be said
Only to get lost in the incessant din
Of the click bait
Like button
Emoji
Social network of unreliable media

The current climate
Is stifling
Gasping for breath
Drowning in a sea of fiery
Anger and rage
Burning from the inside out
The polls are so polarizing

We bicker over little issues
Part of a larger whole
Small minds
Loud mouths
Big sticks

Freedom of speech
Builds the bars to our prison cells
Lady liberty cries herself to sleep at night
In her special jacket
And padded room

All logic treated as sin
Religious freedom only applies to one version of God
He and our founding fathers would be appalled by what we've done in their names

America,
Land of the bullies
Delusions of braveness
Greatness gentrified
Polished to look nice
Beauty ain't that deep
Rotting beneath
All the make up and make believe
That has replaced truth and facts

How can you trust your own eyes
When your mind lives a lie

Homesick

He once asked
Does anyone else get
Homesick
When looking up
At the stars

That brought me back
To California
When I would
Stare at the night sky
Desperate to remember
The way back

His first words to me
Were
Relax, mama

That November
I was a ball
Of awkwardness
And angst
Unsettled and unsure
Now I am still awkward
With less angst
More unpredictable
Than unsure
And settled depends
On the place
Time
Day
Weather
And company

Every time I put pen
To paper
There is a silent
Thank you
Written in the lines

My creative world
Cracked so far open
Its like the Grand Canyon
Filled with hip hop beats
House music
Spoken word
Art
And love
I am never more
At ease in my own skin
Than when I'm
Lost in live music
Surrounded by friends

He was Morpheus
I was Neo
And the door was
On a rundown street
In Greenpoint

He once wrote me
Thank you for being
A part of my artistic 
Everything

How do I tell him
That his friendship
Has been a surgeon
Stitching up wounds
CPR for the times
Life was so heavy
I'd stopped breathing
And my heart stopped
Beating

Art is my energy
And I didn't know
That until
I met him
I'd say thank you
But those words
Are too few
Too basic
Too simple

Our most
Recent conversation
Replays with
My morning alarm

Jump out of a plane
He said
Figuratively or literally
Jump out of a plane

Since then
I've been finding
The courage
In my own voice
Remembering the girl
Who traveled through
The city
To indie shows
Developing her identity

So many pieces of me
I can trace back to him

Wherever
My parachute lands me
I can guarantee
His sticker
Will be tucked inside
The opening flap
Of my poetry book

A constant reminder
That there is still someone
Who sees more in me
Than I do

And every time
I glance up at the night sky
I remember that he
Is more family
Than friend
A constant reminder
Of home

Hindsight

I can feel your
flaws
slide along my skin
and while
my logic dictates
that they will break me
My emotions stand
super glue
duct tape
and Kleenex in hand
because masochists
pose as love

You are human
willing to use every
natural resource
I have to offer
I am gaia
to your industrial
revolution
You will kill me
slow
Celebrate me
Keeping up appearances
You will donate generously
to my well-being
while slipping the
poison of your latest
conquest into
my ocean wide

And I will still
love you
Or so I think
I will love you
so much I'll hate myself
Clutching
the handful of razor
blades you gave me
disguised as roses
to my chest
Hands soaked
in red

With each drip
you'll paint masterpieces
that I will caption
and you'll
slip them like silk
into the ear
of someone
with less to offer
but takes less
to impress

I will lose
pieces of myself
repairing your holes
Patching up
the shotgun blast
the last woman
served to your soul
These lips
will be the balm
to every scar

I will transform
for you
I will wear
the physical attributes
of every woman
you put before me
just so you can notice me
Everything you claimed
to love
will be replaced
by that for which
you lust

I will build
our fairy tale
happily ever after
upon the unsteady foundation
of some day
Pay no mind
to the magician doing
tricks with our house of
cards
He's simply an illusion
of my delusion

I have read the tarot
Star-cross'd we are
Tangled in a web
of needing to fill
insecure voids
You need to be a man
I need to be needed

Our angry screams
will rent this single bedroom
home
but will they repair
the door I just slammed
or the wall
you punched your
frustration into

Suddenly
the cheap rock
on my hand feels
like preparing to serve
a sentence in
Alcatraz

You'll ask
how I can be
so accepting
of unborn curses
How I can feel
God ripping life
from me
and find
peace in my pain

When have you ever
bestowed a blessing
onto me

I'll think
you are god given
solace
but eventually
I'll learn
how to recognize
the trail of sulfur the
devil leaves behind

When this is over
I will be jaded
I will learn to use you
as you used them
and you will be confused
and hurt
when you find you're
not the only one

I will puncture your
chest with lies
and the truth in my final blow
will bring you
to your knees

I don't love you
anymore
You no longer have
a hold on me
There are no more
tears for you
No more screams
left in these lungs
No more anger
balled up in fists

This is the last time
ink will caress a page for you
This piece
is place our past will rest in

Relapses in writings part 2

I have wings
and I want to soar
My destination
is anywhere but here

Crushed
by the freedom
of choice

Drowning 

in an abundance
of options

But these pockets
are desert dry on resources

Brings new meaning
to see the world
in a grain of sand

Hummingbird (For Demo)

You are as much art as artist
The boldness of the
Colors in your craft
Are a reflection of you
And your paint speckled denim
You hold a paintbrush
With the same confidence in your walk
Your dance, your talk
Your energy nearly levitates you
The jewelry that decorates you
Glows like NYC on a rainy night

Your inner light
Is like
That full moon
You stopped to photograph
One Friday night

You are an ever changing canvas
Each moment as stunning as the last

Are you aware of the depth in your eyes?
The beam in your smile?
The glow of your skin?
The fire in your conversations?
Your aura is the color of love

You are hummingbird
A constant flurry of beautiful motion

I see you, one day
As an Abuelita,
On brownstone steps
Reading Tarot for teenage girls
With cards you've painted
Scenes from your life
Because there is so much color
In you

Parade

Do you hear that?
Can you hear the drums
and horns?
Off in the distance,
there is dancing
and balloons
and it is coming this way!
That beat - vibrating off my skin
Don’t you see the sparkle
of brilliant colors in my eyes?
My smile?
Damn, that parade is jamming!
The color-guard is coming in
I’m gonna pick up a flag
Waving this banner high
Stopping traffic
while little kids clap along

Have you seen me dance
to the beat of my own drum?
Have you seen the colors

I can paint the world in?
Have you seen my inner 5 year old
and the way she stares in wonder?
Have you seen the trail
I've blazed?

The rain can come
and I will dance in it
Face turned up
Smiling

Once I left the shadows
and felt the sun
I grabbed hold
Let it burn
as I swallowed one of its rays
There is always summer in this heart

And the band plays on…

Flesh Blood Bone

Flesh
blood
bone

The lines in these hands
worn
The ache in this spine
weary
The sparkle in these eyes
bright
The beat in this chest
comforting
The warmth of his arms
soothing
The message in her smile
welcoming

The tiny factories
in our bodies
replicating
splitting
Building blocks of life

The flood of red
just below
mocha skin

These muscles
Strong
yet overworked
strained

Bones hardened
by life
Balance of flexibility
and strength

The network
of neurons
speed
of impulse
dashing from
brain to fingertips
as I write this

The potential of action
Isn't that what we are

We are all sensory
and adaptation

Complicated machinery
manufactured by
the divinity of evolution
Au natural

Magnificent creatures
blind to our own beauty
our own strengths
our own design

A structure created
for movement
we've stilled
While minds are still wild
and racing

Mana runs through
our veins
Soaks each breath
Qi flows in our
movements
Collections of heavenly bodies
Celestial
Stardust
We are a collection
of the gods we pray to

As fragile
as we are resilient
We can bend
until broken
But those breaks
heal

Although some things
do not heal
Some ailments
left uncured

We fear our darkest moments
Only understanding then
the gift we are
and standing at the edge
of the unknown
is unsettling

Born from mother earth
it is to her that we return
our final breaths
eventually giving new life

Continuous cycle of change
growth
birth
death
transformation
transition
Yin

Yang

Flesh
blood
bone

The simplicity
of this wondrous
human body

Yet another NY poem...

New York
You are best enjoyed in short powerful bursts
"An amusement park
That should only be open
Weekends and holidays"
That's what my Scottish mum used to say
I can savor you for a season
Depending on my reasons
But you are cold, hard and calloused
Chaos and mania
The only place in the world
I can be surrounded by a sea of bodies
Yet feel painfully alone
I have friends here, bonds strong like titanium
It saddens me to be so far away,
But you and I just don't agree anymore
I am like oil and you, like water
I am easy and smooth, and can sometimes be set ablaze
You are powerful, strong and gentle at the same time

Bend and Break

why do i love the things
that break me

claw marks on things
i need to let go of

does my talent
for fixing broken systems
require me to be
in a state of constant repair
continual self sabotage

am i really that masochistic

do i yearn to be whole
just to be broken again

aren't i getting stronger
with every chip, crack, nick, and shattering
i rebuild and reinforce

didn't i start out fine china fragile
and built my way to a mix of
terracotta and concrete

or has that constant repair
led me to be hardened so much
i break when i should bend

was the goal not to be stronger
but more flexible

War

You may march in this war
You may let out a fierce
Battle cry that rips through
The heavens and puts thunder on pause

Your enemies will
Quake in their boots
Seeing the determination in your eyes
They will fear your weapons
They will wish for salvation -
Comfort
Some will surrender
And others
Will swallow thickly
Knowing your
Vicious stare contains no mercy

Your drums will shake the ground
And echo off the hills
You are a force to be reckoned with
Power and passion

But you are an army of one
Bound and fueled by rage
Confused and directionless -
You know not who to be angry with
So you are angry with everyone
With your air of invincibility
You don't even have a reason to die
And have ignored every reason to live


Cease your suicide mission
Feel that breeze brush your cheek?
It's trying to soothe you
That constant rain,
Is from the cleansing tears you've never cried

To busy destroying
To let yourself be destroyed
So you can rebuild
Too busy hurting
To heal
Too busy remembering
The burn from love
To let yourself be loved again

No idea what it means to surrender
Because your white flag
Is covered in the sweat and blood of battles past

You are powerful beyond measure
Completely unaware of your own worth
Unable to grasp how strong you truly are

Wild and enraged
Turmoil and torment
All fight and no faith

You may march on in this war
You will win many battles
But until you turn inward
And surrender to yourself
You will wear down
And wear thin
Weighed down by your shield
Collapsing on your own sword

And you will not survive this war

Envy

I envy those
strong in faith
The people who
answer life's challenges
With "God is good"
"Through him,
all things are possible"
"He has a plan for everything"

Parts of me
get annoyed
by the apparent
lack of responsibility
on their part

What ever happened to
"God helps those
who help themselves"?

I have faith
Not that rigid,
but I have faith
Been through
and seen too much
not to

Trust,
I have asked
and received

But sometimes
I wonder if the faith
of putting your life
In the hands of some
unseen entity
is another form
of ignorant bliss

That level of
passive aggressive
balance between
responsibility
for your choices
and giving up
control of your life

But for all that,
there is security
in blind faith
A special degree
of optimism

And I envy the
heck out of it

Step 1

The ruin of a nation
begins in the homes of its people
Pumped poison through media
twists minds
and overflows into
word of mouth marketing
Fans the fires of this
hollow revolution
We are anger
and fear
and sickness
Grasping at illusions
Calling them truths

No longer land of the free
or home of the brave
We allowed ourselves
to be enslaved
and traded brave for blind
We are creatures
seeking comforts
Not caring the price
We neglect our ancestors
and deprive our youth


We reminisce over the “good ol’ days”
but they never existed
There was never a time of peace
There was never a point of equality
This life has NEVER been fair
or Just
or easy
or painless
We strive for a perfection
none of us have ever known

We allow puppet masters
to pull at our strings
We bound the ropes ourselves
Checked to be sure
the knots were secure
and painted our false masks of contentment
They didn’t take power
We gave it -
Willingly

We let the fire in our souls settle
We outsourced our struggle
We traded in our backbones
for comfortable seats
to sit our overindulged
glottoned asses

We went from survivors
to observers
From warriors
to whiners
We use the faces of the
sick, dead, and abused
as martyrs for a revolution
we can’t even commit to
We care more about the
damage of words
than the very real
every day
damage done with actions

Remember how they used
to speak louder than words?

We cry out against
everything
The overflow of options
that feeds our ADHD
of activism

Unsure who to be angry with
because it’s hard to accept
your mistakes
and failures
Hard to take the blame
when the mess is too large to clean
The truth is a pill
too hard to swallow
In order to change
we need to let go
of comfort
And sobering up
Is never a pleasant process

Step 1: Admit you have a problem

L.E.S.

L.E.S.
Thank you,
for being the backdrop
to my messy
young adult years
The years when I discovered my own tastes
in men
music
liquor
and art

Thank you for honestly breaking in
my favorite black boots
on your streets
and helping me break in journals
with city tales

Messy

i am a messy bundle of -

too smart for my own darned good

social awkwardness

misplaced words

gibberish feelings

and compassion

- trapped within a wide open heart

dressed in dreams, broken promises, hopes, luck, and optimism

with untamed hair and soul

and endless passion

i am seeking someone who will love

all of my messy

chaotic calm

oxymoronic beauty

Last Train to Reincarnation

One day you'll find me
a whisper on the wind
The faint scent of cherry blossom
on damp spring air

You'll see me in
ancient and modern marvels
Note how my skin glitters
like the sands in Egypt

Life is too short
for papers, plans, and someday
Creating excuses for not living fully
NOW

I've created detours
Thought there was importance here
only to realize it's been a 2 year detour
My soul is caged
and needs to run free

Enjoying this world while I can
before moving on to the next
Maybe I'll be dust in the tail
of Haley's comet
Or a butterfly on a planet
like ours but light years away

Understanding that this earth was a gift
and it's natural to thirst for knowledge
Trying to find where I fit in the world
by discovering the world to which I belong

God talks to me
urges me to walkabout
discovering hidden treasures
and finding who I am

Maybe this is the last step
in my reincarnation
the final lap of the journey
before beginning anew

Grief

Like the elephant in the room
my grief sits in the center of my mind
in meditative pose
I tell my inconvenient guest,
"I'll be with you in just a bit"
I've been saying that for weeks now
while hoping there was an easy
non-messy way
to fall to pieces over my loss
This has gone on a tad bit too long
I feel grief's impatience with me
encroaching on my calm order
The place I've grown into
- rather proud I've kept a level head
in the face of all this pain
She would be proud,
but even mom would tell me 'it's ok to let go'
even just for a brief period of time
as long as I don’t lose my way back
But there is no convenient way
to let these tears fall
and feel the heaviness of everything
I've shouldered in the past 3 months
There is no date to mark on a calendar
and say to my grief
"I've set an appointment with you
for next Tuesday from 4 to 6"
I admit I'm afraid of what my own strength
has kept buried
Terrified that I may return to the place
of emptiness I experienced just a few years before
Grief and I never have pleasant meetings
This time grief waits
a little grace for the many times we've done this
but it's growing restless
and I am running out of excuses
Feeling the moisture of forming tears
at the edge of my eyes

Children

I wanna have children!
I wanna place my hand
on my tummy one day
knowing that within it
life sparked
and is fostering

I wanna have children!
I want a home filled with
pitter patter &
laughter
I wanna wipe away tears
and kiss skinned knees

I wanna have children
Crazy concept
for a girl who went from wanting
a girl and a boy
to wanting none at all
to suddenly wanting again

I wanna teach my child
about the mysteries of the world
I want to teach them
about life
I wanna teach them all the things
my mother(s) taught me
and everything my mother didn't

I want pictures on the fridge
and first date anxiety
minivan sports Saturdays
and school plays
I want graduations!
Lots and lots of birthday parties
I want bedtime stories
Driver’s Ed classes
and science fairs

I wanna have children
I want a daughter to give away at a wedding
or a son who knows the value of chivalry
I wanna shop for dorm rooms
and talk about report cards
I want family summer trips
Children who never have to wonder
what's beyond the borders of their city
but learn to cross borders to other cultures

I wanna have children
that fuss at me
for singing in the shower
Loudly
or their grandfather
I want to be there
for every heartache
hoping there aren't too many
I want the joy
of being the first voice
they'll ever hear

I want tea parties
soccer games
stuffed animals
night lights
checking for the 'boogie man'
and never ending questions
I want corny dance moves
off key singing
and 'are we there yet' marathons

I want first day of school jitters
PTA meetings
sleepovers
and college applications

I wanna have children
who know they are loved
and cared for
Who never have to question
their place in my world
and I'll let them know
their world is full of endless possibilities

Last Night

Last night I went to bed
naked
Lacking your body beside mine
Having to sleep unsatisfied
Missing your rough hands
scaling my soft skin
The music of your impassioned breathing
not part of this nights lullaby
Huddling closely against the body pillow
skin so sensitive it feels
the cheap thread count
of these green sheets
that have long since
worn out your scent

My body begs for you
The heat between my legs
pulsates
missing your slick firmness

So I dreamt of riding you like
Crimson stallion into the sunset
Sweating tomorrows rain
Creating earth moving vibrations
with pulsating quasars
that lead to supernova burnouts
Causing rips in the fabric
of the universe
Feeling each other
through time space continuums
and alternate universes
Where I am you and you are me
The two of us redefining
the big bang theory

Stirring in my sleep I astral project
myself into your deepest fantasies
Trapped in your vanilla sky

I've got a love jones
for our love jones &
I'm addicted
to your audio tones
'cause that 'Oh shit!'
that barely escapes your throat
at the moment of climax
weaves harmoniously
with the perfect pitched scream
my lungs push forth
when you hit that spot
that puts me to bed at night

With dawns light creeping into
my sleeping chamber
and as I try to ignore the distant beep
that takes me from dream to reality
I realize my instinct is to reach out
for a body that is no longer there

Gorgeous Nightmare

You're such a gorgeous nightmare
like flower petal
healing poison extract tips
Like sin from angels lips
My comforting torture
Lust
in the depths of my Stockholm syndrome
Tangled in the web
of our oxymoronic similarities
With you,
I am broken whole
Screaming mad
in a dream
I don't want to wake from

One Day

One day,
I will find the man
who will take the time
to read all the lines
and then in between them.

Who will see all the love, joy, pain, and struggle
the darkness and light
and still love me
for all that I am.

One day,
I will find the man
who wants to build a family with me,
one boy, one girl
and maybe even more
And he'll find his inner child
to sit and play with us.

One day,
I will find the man
who will love my spazzy dances
and do things just to make me happy
so the dances will never stop.

He'll listen to me ramble about
quantum physics and time space continuums
and be amused,
knowing I'll follow it up
with something equally as random.
I don't need him to understand
just to listen.

One day,
I will find a man
who will sing songs with me.
And even if he doesn't keep the note,
he'll still keep the beat.
And even if he doesn't like the melody,
will smile, laugh, and love me anyways.

One day,
I will find a man
full of passion
for life, for love, for me.
I don't want it confined to the bedroom.
I want it to define him
Passionate
even if it brings more heat to our battles,
I'll know he cares for me just as fiercely.

One day,
I will find a man
who will protect and provide
and understand that I will never
mean a blow to his ego when I do it on my own.
He just knows that I've been so used
to doing it alone.

Mended

I am no longer broken

The fractures have mended

Messy & crooked

but mended

I still feel a winter's chill

through hollow bones

and empty spaces in my heart

I'm not ready to fill

I lack perfection

and do not reach for such

unattainable ideas

I am content being 

wrong

in all my own ways

I am flawed

but beautiful

and as ordinarily extraordinary

as the next person

I am still scared

hiding under the sheets

of life

Work

Past pain

Unlived dreams

Stage fright -

afraid to take center stage

in my own story

But all in due time

I am

I am broken sunshine spring still coated in winter chill,
wishing for sunburnt summer colored fall leaves.
Four elements as one searching for a fifth -
On my knees, praying to God,
that he hears me.
Tantrums turned tears,
turned poems,
turned song.
And still, I pray to God.
(I hope he hears me)

Now

I'm feeling like
God cleansed summer rain
sun kissed autumn tipped leaves
in crisp winter breeze

While the world around me
is black soot, sickness
mud in mines
Explosions with every misstep
and stormy weather moods.

I am becoming the calm
eye of the storm
Like white Yang
in Black Yin

Transitioning
Transforming
Slowly
Calmly

With much meditation
few words
Creating my own cause and effect

Split

Split like atoms
dispersed
everywhere and no where
feeling connected
by individuality


Feeling closer to
creations spark
as stardust passes through
my body whole
and on Gaia's green carpet
I kneel
to bask in holy sunlight
thankful for
my blessings
god
and breath

To the Past 2 Men I've Loved

I love the way words
fall off your tongue
familiar and foreign

captivated by your
elequent diction
of fact and fiction

You often blur the lines

Cracked

I often compare my heart
(and soul)
to broken flower pots
I often feel
terraccotta cracked cold open
baked and moist earth
within me
clay, dirt, and the life that springs
from flowers in spring

Many times and ways
I've attempted to repair the damage
but the cracks still remain
to be seen
and questioned
and criticized

The flowers still grow
even when pulled
and given to others
often leaving me hollow
while waiting for life to resume

Beautiful Words (Written for Caits Meissner)

I wish I could write beautiful words
Like first sunlight rays on soft clouds
hues of pink we've yet to name
beautiful

Word that insipre soul
to sing and soar

Words that tell the truth
of life
in it's simple
poetic complexity

My words are jumbled
gathered together by loose thought
gritty like fingers
turning the page of a beauty magazine
smudged like wet ink
on a journal's turned page

But your words are the way I see life
yet I can never speak them as well as you do
but I am blessed to be able to read them

Changed

I will never understand the woman
who gave birth to me.
I’ve been told she was once like me
Bright future
Bright mind
Bright eyes
23 years of living with her,
I never saw any of it
At some point,
when I was tucked away in her womb
She changed.
While she was expecting
the little boy
she thought would make my father stay,
She changed.
And that October day
when the Dr. handed her
A brown eyed little girl
with skin too light
that looked like the man she loved
who had walked away,
She changed.
Permanently
Somehow she inherited her own mothers
Wickedness
The child she brought into this life
did not accomplish her job
So she spent 23 years
tormenting her
and calling it love
My mother loved me -
If you consider love
Beatings with
Hangers
Extension cords
Belts
Cable cords
Metal canes
And fists
My mother often wrapped me in her arms
and in her mind wondered what it would be like
to wrap her hands around my throat
My mother would tear flesh
from young bones
and challenge me to dare cry
Then explain that I made her do this to me.
A little girl who just wanted to be pretty
punished for clear nail polish at 8
A little girl who didn’t understand money
but knew the money she found in her grandfather’s room
would buy her the friends she didn’t have at school
as long as there was candy
A little girl who watched Roots
and felt their pain because the welts on slaves backs
were the same welts on hers.
But my mother loved me
She sacrificed for me
while stealing what was mine.
Keeping my father further away
than the miles already in between us
with lies and hatred.
Replacing him with a man who would raise me
out of obligation -
And I would always be an afterthought in his mind.
He would not stop my mothers rage
at a little girl who was different
but couldn’t understand why.
My imagination being my only friend
It’s no wonder I still find solace in day dreams.
This woman who loved me
who poisoned my mind, body and soul,
then sent me off to a place where
whatever she didn’t abuse they did.
And somehow, I felt safer there
than I did in my own home.
Tucked into a system that had already failed me,
sent me home to a woman seething
with more homicidal rage than I was used to.
Something she wouldn’t explain until 6 years later,
when I could understand the severity
and she let me know her regret
that I’m still breathing
This woman who loved me,
but told me if there is an afterlife
she never hopes to see me
This woman who loved me,
who criticized every dream I had,
claimed my successes for her own,
and exposed my failures to the world.
This woman who loved me,
who in her last days disowned me
because of a private journal entry
written at my breaking point,
shown to her by the husband who put her in her grave.
I wrote words about her
I’ve heard her speak about her own mother,
and HE has made her lose everything!
Even what dignity she had left
But she said she LOVED ME!
All the boys I let into my life
Holding shards of her love in theirs hands
and she asks me why I let them treat me that way.
The first person I learned to love
Was the person who would hurt me the most.
I know nothing
of the kind generous warm woman
friends and family spoke of at her funeral.
I only know the woman who claimed to love me
but taught me love shouldn’t hurt
while causing me the greatest pain I will ever know.
Even though she is gone
I still see her in my reflection and
hear her in my voice
and find traces of her in my laughter.
So I can’t hate her because so much of her is me
but I WANT to
At 28 years old my mother changed,
Coming up on my 28th year I fear I will too
Because people say I’m so much like
the woman I’ve never known.
And they tell me it’s a miracle,
with all that I’ve been through
that I haven’t changed too