L.E.S.

L.E.S.
Thank you,
for being the backdrop
to my messy
young adult years
The years when I discovered my own tastes
in men
music
liquor
and art

Thank you for honestly breaking in
my favorite black boots
on your streets
and helping me break in journals
with city tales

Messy

i am a messy bundle of -

too smart for my own darned good

social awkwardness

misplaced words

gibberish feelings

and compassion

- trapped within a wide open heart

dressed in dreams, broken promises, hopes, luck, and optimism

with untamed hair and soul

and endless passion

i am seeking someone who will love

all of my messy

chaotic calm

oxymoronic beauty

Last Train to Reincarnation

One day you'll find me
a whisper on the wind
The faint scent of cherry blossom
on damp spring air

You'll see me in
ancient and modern marvels
Note how my skin glitters
like the sands in Egypt

Life is too short
for papers, plans, and someday
Creating excuses for not living fully
NOW

I've created detours
Thought there was importance here
only to realize it's been a 2 year detour
My soul is caged
and needs to run free

Enjoying this world while I can
before moving on to the next
Maybe I'll be dust in the tail
of Haley's comet
Or a butterfly on a planet
like ours but light years away

Understanding that this earth was a gift
and it's natural to thirst for knowledge
Trying to find where I fit in the world
by discovering the world to which I belong

God talks to me
urges me to walkabout
discovering hidden treasures
and finding who I am

Maybe this is the last step
in my reincarnation
the final lap of the journey
before beginning anew

Grief

Like the elephant in the room
my grief sits in the center of my mind
in meditative pose
I tell my inconvenient guest,
"I'll be with you in just a bit"
I've been saying that for weeks now
while hoping there was an easy
non-messy way
to fall to pieces over my loss
This has gone on a tad bit too long
I feel grief's impatience with me
encroaching on my calm order
The place I've grown into
- rather proud I've kept a level head
in the face of all this pain
She would be proud,
but even mom would tell me 'it's ok to let go'
even just for a brief period of time
as long as I don’t lose my way back
But there is no convenient way
to let these tears fall
and feel the heaviness of everything
I've shouldered in the past 3 months
There is no date to mark on a calendar
and say to my grief
"I've set an appointment with you
for next Tuesday from 4 to 6"
I admit I'm afraid of what my own strength
has kept buried
Terrified that I may return to the place
of emptiness I experienced just a few years before
Grief and I never have pleasant meetings
This time grief waits
a little grace for the many times we've done this
but it's growing restless
and I am running out of excuses
Feeling the moisture of forming tears
at the edge of my eyes

Children

I wanna have children!
I wanna place my hand
on my tummy one day
knowing that within it
life sparked
and is fostering

I wanna have children!
I want a home filled with
pitter patter &
laughter
I wanna wipe away tears
and kiss skinned knees

I wanna have children
Crazy concept
for a girl who went from wanting
a girl and a boy
to wanting none at all
to suddenly wanting again

I wanna teach my child
about the mysteries of the world
I want to teach them
about life
I wanna teach them all the things
my mother(s) taught me
and everything my mother didn't

I want pictures on the fridge
and first date anxiety
minivan sports Saturdays
and school plays
I want graduations!
Lots and lots of birthday parties
I want bedtime stories
Driver’s Ed classes
and science fairs

I wanna have children
I want a daughter to give away at a wedding
or a son who knows the value of chivalry
I wanna shop for dorm rooms
and talk about report cards
I want family summer trips
Children who never have to wonder
what's beyond the borders of their city
but learn to cross borders to other cultures

I wanna have children
that fuss at me
for singing in the shower
Loudly
or their grandfather
I want to be there
for every heartache
hoping there aren't too many
I want the joy
of being the first voice
they'll ever hear

I want tea parties
soccer games
stuffed animals
night lights
checking for the 'boogie man'
and never ending questions
I want corny dance moves
off key singing
and 'are we there yet' marathons

I want first day of school jitters
PTA meetings
sleepovers
and college applications

I wanna have children
who know they are loved
and cared for
Who never have to question
their place in my world
and I'll let them know
their world is full of endless possibilities

Last Night

Last night I went to bed
naked
Lacking your body beside mine
Having to sleep unsatisfied
Missing your rough hands
scaling my soft skin
The music of your impassioned breathing
not part of this nights lullaby
Huddling closely against the body pillow
skin so sensitive it feels
the cheap thread count
of these green sheets
that have long since
worn out your scent

My body begs for you
The heat between my legs
pulsates
missing your slick firmness

So I dreamt of riding you like
Crimson stallion into the sunset
Sweating tomorrows rain
Creating earth moving vibrations
with pulsating quasars
that lead to supernova burnouts
Causing rips in the fabric
of the universe
Feeling each other
through time space continuums
and alternate universes
Where I am you and you are me
The two of us redefining
the big bang theory

Stirring in my sleep I astral project
myself into your deepest fantasies
Trapped in your vanilla sky

I've got a love jones
for our love jones &
I'm addicted
to your audio tones
'cause that 'Oh shit!'
that barely escapes your throat
at the moment of climax
weaves harmoniously
with the perfect pitched scream
my lungs push forth
when you hit that spot
that puts me to bed at night

With dawns light creeping into
my sleeping chamber
and as I try to ignore the distant beep
that takes me from dream to reality
I realize my instinct is to reach out
for a body that is no longer there

Gorgeous Nightmare

You're such a gorgeous nightmare
like flower petal
healing poison extract tips
Like sin from angels lips
My comforting torture
Lust
in the depths of my Stockholm syndrome
Tangled in the web
of our oxymoronic similarities
With you,
I am broken whole
Screaming mad
in a dream
I don't want to wake from

One Day

One day,
I will find the man
who will take the time
to read all the lines
and then in between them.

Who will see all the love, joy, pain, and struggle
the darkness and light
and still love me
for all that I am.

One day,
I will find the man
who wants to build a family with me,
one boy, one girl
and maybe even more
And he'll find his inner child
to sit and play with us.

One day,
I will find the man
who will love my spazzy dances
and do things just to make me happy
so the dances will never stop.

He'll listen to me ramble about
quantum physics and time space continuums
and be amused,
knowing I'll follow it up
with something equally as random.
I don't need him to understand
just to listen.

One day,
I will find a man
who will sing songs with me.
And even if he doesn't keep the note,
he'll still keep the beat.
And even if he doesn't like the melody,
will smile, laugh, and love me anyways.

One day,
I will find a man
full of passion
for life, for love, for me.
I don't want it confined to the bedroom.
I want it to define him
Passionate
even if it brings more heat to our battles,
I'll know he cares for me just as fiercely.

One day,
I will find a man
who will protect and provide
and understand that I will never
mean a blow to his ego when I do it on my own.
He just knows that I've been so used
to doing it alone.