L.E.S.

L.E.S.
Thank you,
for being the backdrop
to my messy
young adult years
The years when I discovered my own tastes
in men
music
liquor
and art

Thank you for honestly breaking in
my favorite black boots
on your streets
and helping me break in journals
with city tales

Messy

i am a messy bundle of -

too smart for my own darned good

social awkwardness

misplaced words

gibberish feelings

and compassion

- trapped within a wide open heart

dressed in dreams, broken promises, hopes, luck, and optimism

with untamed hair and soul

and endless passion

i am seeking someone who will love

all of my messy

chaotic calm

oxymoronic beauty

Last Train to Reincarnation

One day you'll find me
a whisper on the wind
The faint scent of cherry blossom
on damp spring air

You'll see me in
ancient and modern marvels
Note how my skin glitters
like the sands in Egypt

Life is too short
for papers, plans, and someday
Creating excuses for not living fully
NOW

I've created detours
Thought there was importance here
only to realize it's been a 2 year detour
My soul is caged
and needs to run free

Enjoying this world while I can
before moving on to the next
Maybe I'll be dust in the tail
of Haley's comet
Or a butterfly on a planet
like ours but light years away

Understanding that this earth was a gift
and it's natural to thirst for knowledge
Trying to find where I fit in the world
by discovering the world to which I belong

God talks to me
urges me to walkabout
discovering hidden treasures
and finding who I am

Maybe this is the last step
in my reincarnation
the final lap of the journey
before beginning anew

Grief

Like the elephant in the room
my grief sits in the center of my mind
in meditative pose
I tell my inconvenient guest,
"I'll be with you in just a bit"
I've been saying that for weeks now
while hoping there was an easy
non-messy way
to fall to pieces over my loss
This has gone on a tad bit too long
I feel grief's impatience with me
encroaching on my calm order
The place I've grown into
- rather proud I've kept a level head
in the face of all this pain
She would be proud,
but even mom would tell me 'it's ok to let go'
even just for a brief period of time
as long as I don’t lose my way back
But there is no convenient way
to let these tears fall
and feel the heaviness of everything
I've shouldered in the past 3 months
There is no date to mark on a calendar
and say to my grief
"I've set an appointment with you
for next Tuesday from 4 to 6"
I admit I'm afraid of what my own strength
has kept buried
Terrified that I may return to the place
of emptiness I experienced just a few years before
Grief and I never have pleasant meetings
This time grief waits
a little grace for the many times we've done this
but it's growing restless
and I am running out of excuses
Feeling the moisture of forming tears
at the edge of my eyes

Children

I wanna have children!
I wanna place my hand
on my tummy one day
knowing that within it
life sparked
and is fostering

I wanna have children!
I want a home filled with
pitter patter &
laughter
I wanna wipe away tears
and kiss skinned knees

I wanna have children
Crazy concept
for a girl who went from wanting
a girl and a boy
to wanting none at all
to suddenly wanting again

I wanna teach my child
about the mysteries of the world
I want to teach them
about life
I wanna teach them all the things
my mother(s) taught me
and everything my mother didn't

I want pictures on the fridge
and first date anxiety
minivan sports Saturdays
and school plays
I want graduations!
Lots and lots of birthday parties
I want bedtime stories
Driver’s Ed classes
and science fairs

I wanna have children
I want a daughter to give away at a wedding
or a son who knows the value of chivalry
I wanna shop for dorm rooms
and talk about report cards
I want family summer trips
Children who never have to wonder
what's beyond the borders of their city
but learn to cross borders to other cultures

I wanna have children
that fuss at me
for singing in the shower
Loudly
or their grandfather
I want to be there
for every heartache
hoping there aren't too many
I want the joy
of being the first voice
they'll ever hear

I want tea parties
soccer games
stuffed animals
night lights
checking for the 'boogie man'
and never ending questions
I want corny dance moves
off key singing
and 'are we there yet' marathons

I want first day of school jitters
PTA meetings
sleepovers
and college applications

I wanna have children
who know they are loved
and cared for
Who never have to question
their place in my world
and I'll let them know
their world is full of endless possibilities

Last Night

Last night I went to bed
naked
Lacking your body beside mine
Having to sleep unsatisfied
Missing your rough hands
scaling my soft skin
The music of your impassioned breathing
not part of this nights lullaby
Huddling closely against the body pillow
skin so sensitive it feels
the cheap thread count
of these green sheets
that have long since
worn out your scent

My body begs for you
The heat between my legs
pulsates
missing your slick firmness

So I dreamt of riding you like
Crimson stallion into the sunset
Sweating tomorrows rain
Creating earth moving vibrations
with pulsating quasars
that lead to supernova burnouts
Causing rips in the fabric
of the universe
Feeling each other
through time space continuums
and alternate universes
Where I am you and you are me
The two of us redefining
the big bang theory

Stirring in my sleep I astral project
myself into your deepest fantasies
Trapped in your vanilla sky

I've got a love jones
for our love jones &
I'm addicted
to your audio tones
'cause that 'Oh shit!'
that barely escapes your throat
at the moment of climax
weaves harmoniously
with the perfect pitched scream
my lungs push forth
when you hit that spot
that puts me to bed at night

With dawns light creeping into
my sleeping chamber
and as I try to ignore the distant beep
that takes me from dream to reality
I realize my instinct is to reach out
for a body that is no longer there

Gorgeous Nightmare

You're such a gorgeous nightmare
like flower petal
healing poison extract tips
Like sin from angels lips
My comforting torture
Lust
in the depths of my Stockholm syndrome
Tangled in the web
of our oxymoronic similarities
With you,
I am broken whole
Screaming mad
in a dream
I don't want to wake from

One Day

One day,
I will find the man
who will take the time
to read all the lines
and then in between them.

Who will see all the love, joy, pain, and struggle
the darkness and light
and still love me
for all that I am.

One day,
I will find the man
who wants to build a family with me,
one boy, one girl
and maybe even more
And he'll find his inner child
to sit and play with us.

One day,
I will find the man
who will love my spazzy dances
and do things just to make me happy
so the dances will never stop.

He'll listen to me ramble about
quantum physics and time space continuums
and be amused,
knowing I'll follow it up
with something equally as random.
I don't need him to understand
just to listen.

One day,
I will find a man
who will sing songs with me.
And even if he doesn't keep the note,
he'll still keep the beat.
And even if he doesn't like the melody,
will smile, laugh, and love me anyways.

One day,
I will find a man
full of passion
for life, for love, for me.
I don't want it confined to the bedroom.
I want it to define him
Passionate
even if it brings more heat to our battles,
I'll know he cares for me just as fiercely.

One day,
I will find a man
who will protect and provide
and understand that I will never
mean a blow to his ego when I do it on my own.
He just knows that I've been so used
to doing it alone.

Mended

I am no longer broken

The fractures have mended

Messy & crooked

but mended

I still feel a winter's chill

through hollow bones

and empty spaces in my heart

I'm not ready to fill

I lack perfection

and do not reach for such

unattainable ideas

I am content being 

wrong

in all my own ways

I am flawed

but beautiful

and as ordinarily extraordinary

as the next person

I am still scared

hiding under the sheets

of life

Work

Past pain

Unlived dreams

Stage fright -

afraid to take center stage

in my own story

But all in due time

I am

I am broken sunshine spring still coated in winter chill,
wishing for sunburnt summer colored fall leaves.
Four elements as one searching for a fifth -
On my knees, praying to God,
that he hears me.
Tantrums turned tears,
turned poems,
turned song.
And still, I pray to God.
(I hope he hears me)

Now

I'm feeling like
God cleansed summer rain
sun kissed autumn tipped leaves
in crisp winter breeze

While the world around me
is black soot, sickness
mud in mines
Explosions with every misstep
and stormy weather moods.

I am becoming the calm
eye of the storm
Like white Yang
in Black Yin

Transitioning
Transforming
Slowly
Calmly

With much meditation
few words
Creating my own cause and effect

Split

Split like atoms
dispersed
everywhere and no where
feeling connected
by individuality


Feeling closer to
creations spark
as stardust passes through
my body whole
and on Gaia's green carpet
I kneel
to bask in holy sunlight
thankful for
my blessings
god
and breath

To the Past 2 Men I've Loved

I love the way words
fall off your tongue
familiar and foreign

captivated by your
elequent diction
of fact and fiction

You often blur the lines

Cracked

I often compare my heart
(and soul)
to broken flower pots
I often feel
terraccotta cracked cold open
baked and moist earth
within me
clay, dirt, and the life that springs
from flowers in spring

Many times and ways
I've attempted to repair the damage
but the cracks still remain
to be seen
and questioned
and criticized

The flowers still grow
even when pulled
and given to others
often leaving me hollow
while waiting for life to resume

Beautiful Words (Written for Caits Meissner)

I wish I could write beautiful words
Like first sunlight rays on soft clouds
hues of pink we've yet to name
beautiful

Word that insipre soul
to sing and soar

Words that tell the truth
of life
in it's simple
poetic complexity

My words are jumbled
gathered together by loose thought
gritty like fingers
turning the page of a beauty magazine
smudged like wet ink
on a journal's turned page

But your words are the way I see life
yet I can never speak them as well as you do
but I am blessed to be able to read them

Changed

I will never understand the woman
who gave birth to me.
I’ve been told she was once like me
Bright future
Bright mind
Bright eyes
23 years of living with her,
I never saw any of it
At some point,
when I was tucked away in her womb
She changed.
While she was expecting
the little boy
she thought would make my father stay,
She changed.
And that October day
when the Dr. handed her
A brown eyed little girl
with skin too light
that looked like the man she loved
who had walked away,
She changed.
Permanently
Somehow she inherited her own mothers
Wickedness
The child she brought into this life
did not accomplish her job
So she spent 23 years
tormenting her
and calling it love
My mother loved me -
If you consider love
Beatings with
Hangers
Extension cords
Belts
Cable cords
Metal canes
And fists
My mother often wrapped me in her arms
and in her mind wondered what it would be like
to wrap her hands around my throat
My mother would tear flesh
from young bones
and challenge me to dare cry
Then explain that I made her do this to me.
A little girl who just wanted to be pretty
punished for clear nail polish at 8
A little girl who didn’t understand money
but knew the money she found in her grandfather’s room
would buy her the friends she didn’t have at school
as long as there was candy
A little girl who watched Roots
and felt their pain because the welts on slaves backs
were the same welts on hers.
But my mother loved me
She sacrificed for me
while stealing what was mine.
Keeping my father further away
than the miles already in between us
with lies and hatred.
Replacing him with a man who would raise me
out of obligation -
And I would always be an afterthought in his mind.
He would not stop my mothers rage
at a little girl who was different
but couldn’t understand why.
My imagination being my only friend
It’s no wonder I still find solace in day dreams.
This woman who loved me
who poisoned my mind, body and soul,
then sent me off to a place where
whatever she didn’t abuse they did.
And somehow, I felt safer there
than I did in my own home.
Tucked into a system that had already failed me,
sent me home to a woman seething
with more homicidal rage than I was used to.
Something she wouldn’t explain until 6 years later,
when I could understand the severity
and she let me know her regret
that I’m still breathing
This woman who loved me,
but told me if there is an afterlife
she never hopes to see me
This woman who loved me,
who criticized every dream I had,
claimed my successes for her own,
and exposed my failures to the world.
This woman who loved me,
who in her last days disowned me
because of a private journal entry
written at my breaking point,
shown to her by the husband who put her in her grave.
I wrote words about her
I’ve heard her speak about her own mother,
and HE has made her lose everything!
Even what dignity she had left
But she said she LOVED ME!
All the boys I let into my life
Holding shards of her love in theirs hands
and she asks me why I let them treat me that way.
The first person I learned to love
Was the person who would hurt me the most.
I know nothing
of the kind generous warm woman
friends and family spoke of at her funeral.
I only know the woman who claimed to love me
but taught me love shouldn’t hurt
while causing me the greatest pain I will ever know.
Even though she is gone
I still see her in my reflection and
hear her in my voice
and find traces of her in my laughter.
So I can’t hate her because so much of her is me
but I WANT to
At 28 years old my mother changed,
Coming up on my 28th year I fear I will too
Because people say I’m so much like
the woman I’ve never known.
And they tell me it’s a miracle,
with all that I’ve been through
that I haven’t changed too

Broken Earth

Beautifully unfolding messes fall to burnt earth floor
modern cities sway while aged fields wash away
poisoned earth poisons sky - clouds weep toxic tears
bewitched boxes build fears
a world so fragile being both distant and connected
an end is just a new beginning
Gaia transformations rip through false realities
She breaks - we break.

New York State (out) of Mind

"In New York
Concrete Jungle where dreams are made of
there's nothing you can't do

Now you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
These lights will inspire you"
-Alicia Keys


I’m Queens born
Brooklyn hardened
Manhattan upper east side glossy
LES bohemian
and Staten Island softened
I discovered nature
moving north of the Bronx
Climbing rocks in Rockland
and listening to Sleepy Hollow
winds tell tales
I’m a seed from this apple’s core
I bleed blue for Giants
and cheer on KNICKerbockerS and METropolitanS
holding a genetic grudge against pinstriped players
But this city is prison
Hidden under flashing lights
Insomniac gritty city
They say if you can make it here
you’ll make it anywhere
But what happens when dreams die?
And they don’t just die in project hallways
they die under Broadway’s bright lights too
Here, you can pick your poison
and drown your sorrows in distraction
Vegas ain’t got nothing on us
This city sweats sin
Lady Liberty is like Eve
this juicy apple so tempting
We’re like Snow White
without her 7 dwarves
because this poison puts our sanity to sleep
while chaos reigns
Justifying the insane
Like break dancers
we break our backs for pennies
tossed into tip jars
we call paychecks
Waging war for a living wage
but is there really such a thing
We settle for roaches and rats
because our addresses make us
bourgi
But it’s when it’s quiet and we’re all alone
many of us sit in uncomfortable silence
Because we don’t know who we are
We lost ourselves out there in the city din
but we’ll get up and do it again
It’s like our favorite drug
Melting pot of cultures and comforts
If they make it out there
you can find it here
so why would you ever leave?

I broke free from its spell for 2 years
Yet it called me back
Whispering that all my dreams
laid here in these boroughs
In this maze of buildings
Buildings that scrape skies
made of cold concrete, structured steel and glass
I thought I could just work hard
and play harder
But those whispers are now screams
Like the one’s heard in Bellevue’s white rooms
or within Creedmoor’s stone walls
This city pulsates fun and pain
It sucks us down
Bleeds us dry
But we still enjoy the ride
Those who get to break free
understand my words
Get the city out of your system
and you’ll start to see a difference
But how do you rehab from a life you’ve always known
Bad habits die hard
but here I am going for my second
and hopefully last round of rehab
South of Mason Dixon lines
where the Ghettos are grittier
but reality is soaked in
Just 4 hours and 4 states away
I’m still unable
to give it up cold turkey
Still needing a hit every now and again
Boxed dreams still in the back of my mind
Wanting to make it here
so I can go anywhere
This city is still home to the senses
Having the ability to heighten and disable
my defenses
I’ve loved and lost here
Born, bled and nearly died here
My first love and never-ending heartache
My Love-Hate relationship
My muse and inspiration

Queens born
Brooklyn hardened
Manhattan upper east side glossy
LES Bohemian
Staten Island Softened
Rocked in Rockland
Asleep in Sleepy Hollow
California sun grown
Alexandria mellowed

This Phoenix spreads her wings
but knows this nest will never be empty

I’m a seed from this sour apple’s core
NY will always be my first home

Marco Polo-tics

Marco Polo-tics
Hide and go seek with lunatics
Blood suckers and nightmare magicians
Living in a world I didn’t make
And trying to break
Free of this oppression
Of recession
And depression
With unlearned lessons
Like money management budget
Balances with checks
System needing overhaulin’
Pick up the phone – History is callin’
Reminders of forefather’s fights
Speak up – they’re taking your rights
Right out from under you
With one stolen term
That turned into two
While a nation stood still
At the collapsing of twins
Forgetting fallen heroes in PA fields
And pentagon walls that topple like tenpins
When in the course of human events…
But who’s moving forward
With THAT intent?
New era begins
This ‘messiah’ sworn in
So much hope because of a little melanin
But he’s just flesh blood and bone
Politician sitting on an oval office throne
I’ve heard stories of slaughtered sheep
I’ve seen dead souls
Sleeping on city streets
Who rallies for them?
Where are the ‘minute men’
Protecting false borders
The criminals are HERE
Destroying your sons and daughters
Where are the people
Trying to sell old marriage ideals
Keeping the ‘happy’ from being HAPPY
Busying courtrooms
With constant appeals
Ignorance and
Biblical false intelligence
Are one in the same
We all bleed red blood
Eat, sleep, work and play
In this country we call the US of A
States United, once divided
Oxymoronic civil wars
Those red white and blue flags
With X’s still soar
South of Mason Dixon lines
And even in the Union North
Unity’s been broken
Since long before the first ships set course
New land
Promise land
Built on immigrant backs
With calloused hands
My nation’s history
Comes from the slaughter, disease, rape, and ‘conquering’ of a people
Now you want to enforce your birthrights
And say you’re equal
Homeland security was arrows and bows
Now it’s black suits, military clothing and Hidden M.O.’s
Where is the justice for silenced voices
But they tell me they just made a few bad choices
Like being in the wrong place at the wrong time
I guess the clocks are wrong and the borders misaligned
There’s cowardice with guns
Bullets that end up in a mother’s son
It’s unnerving the divide between which colored finger
Pulled the trigger
Makes me wonder what they’ll say
If Obama starts a war
Justice is blind and we’re playing a game of hide and go seek
What are you scared of losing if you stand up and speak
Because next are your ‘inalienable human rights’
If you don’t start to fight

Theoretically Speaking

I am disoriented and detached
Disillusioned by these false facts
force fed to us in a box called reality

Deeply my soul yearns for somthing more
unable to grasp the intangible
in this world of materialistic mongering

Dancing energies with sources unknown
stuck in thought about worlds outside my own
Living that Life Unrealistic
Trapped in Macro seeing Micro

Where does the time go
when it was never here to begin with
Funny how time flies
all relative theories

Apples don't fall far from the tree
Motion laws and individual theories
Cognitave collective thought
Splitting the atoms of Adam and Eve

Red pill or Blue pill you decide
but that little white rabbit's
always looking for a ride

Vector Matrix calcuations
Linear planes of space and time
Needing more than just 3 dimensions
Everything else unseen

Black hole in the heart
no presence of light
Keeps the soul separate
dark matter into unseen light

Distressed and Disturbed
internal insanity
Depressing my depression
into waves of semi-logical clarity