I am

I am broken sunshine spring still coated in winter chill,
wishing for sunburnt summer colored fall leaves.
Four elements as one searching for a fifth -
On my knees, praying to God,
that he hears me.
Tantrums turned tears,
turned poems,
turned song.
And still, I pray to God.
(I hope he hears me)

Now

I'm feeling like
God cleansed summer rain
sun kissed autumn tipped leaves
in crisp winter breeze

While the world around me
is black soot, sickness
mud in mines
Explosions with every misstep
and stormy weather moods.

I am becoming the calm
eye of the storm
Like white Yang
in Black Yin

Transitioning
Transforming
Slowly
Calmly

With much meditation
few words
Creating my own cause and effect

Split

Split like atoms
dispersed
everywhere and no where
feeling connected
by individuality


Feeling closer to
creations spark
as stardust passes through
my body whole
and on Gaia's green carpet
I kneel
to bask in holy sunlight
thankful for
my blessings
god
and breath

To the Past 2 Men I've Loved

I love the way words
fall off your tongue
familiar and foreign

captivated by your
elequent diction
of fact and fiction

You often blur the lines

Cracked

I often compare my heart
(and soul)
to broken flower pots
I often feel
terraccotta cracked cold open
baked and moist earth
within me
clay, dirt, and the life that springs
from flowers in spring

Many times and ways
I've attempted to repair the damage
but the cracks still remain
to be seen
and questioned
and criticized

The flowers still grow
even when pulled
and given to others
often leaving me hollow
while waiting for life to resume

Beautiful Words (Written for Caits Meissner)

I wish I could write beautiful words
Like first sunlight rays on soft clouds
hues of pink we've yet to name
beautiful

Word that insipre soul
to sing and soar

Words that tell the truth
of life
in it's simple
poetic complexity

My words are jumbled
gathered together by loose thought
gritty like fingers
turning the page of a beauty magazine
smudged like wet ink
on a journal's turned page

But your words are the way I see life
yet I can never speak them as well as you do
but I am blessed to be able to read them

Changed

I will never understand the woman
who gave birth to me.
I’ve been told she was once like me
Bright future
Bright mind
Bright eyes
23 years of living with her,
I never saw any of it
At some point,
when I was tucked away in her womb
She changed.
While she was expecting
the little boy
she thought would make my father stay,
She changed.
And that October day
when the Dr. handed her
A brown eyed little girl
with skin too light
that looked like the man she loved
who had walked away,
She changed.
Permanently
Somehow she inherited her own mothers
Wickedness
The child she brought into this life
did not accomplish her job
So she spent 23 years
tormenting her
and calling it love
My mother loved me -
If you consider love
Beatings with
Hangers
Extension cords
Belts
Cable cords
Metal canes
And fists
My mother often wrapped me in her arms
and in her mind wondered what it would be like
to wrap her hands around my throat
My mother would tear flesh
from young bones
and challenge me to dare cry
Then explain that I made her do this to me.
A little girl who just wanted to be pretty
punished for clear nail polish at 8
A little girl who didn’t understand money
but knew the money she found in her grandfather’s room
would buy her the friends she didn’t have at school
as long as there was candy
A little girl who watched Roots
and felt their pain because the welts on slaves backs
were the same welts on hers.
But my mother loved me
She sacrificed for me
while stealing what was mine.
Keeping my father further away
than the miles already in between us
with lies and hatred.
Replacing him with a man who would raise me
out of obligation -
And I would always be an afterthought in his mind.
He would not stop my mothers rage
at a little girl who was different
but couldn’t understand why.
My imagination being my only friend
It’s no wonder I still find solace in day dreams.
This woman who loved me
who poisoned my mind, body and soul,
then sent me off to a place where
whatever she didn’t abuse they did.
And somehow, I felt safer there
than I did in my own home.
Tucked into a system that had already failed me,
sent me home to a woman seething
with more homicidal rage than I was used to.
Something she wouldn’t explain until 6 years later,
when I could understand the severity
and she let me know her regret
that I’m still breathing
This woman who loved me,
but told me if there is an afterlife
she never hopes to see me
This woman who loved me,
who criticized every dream I had,
claimed my successes for her own,
and exposed my failures to the world.
This woman who loved me,
who in her last days disowned me
because of a private journal entry
written at my breaking point,
shown to her by the husband who put her in her grave.
I wrote words about her
I’ve heard her speak about her own mother,
and HE has made her lose everything!
Even what dignity she had left
But she said she LOVED ME!
All the boys I let into my life
Holding shards of her love in theirs hands
and she asks me why I let them treat me that way.
The first person I learned to love
Was the person who would hurt me the most.
I know nothing
of the kind generous warm woman
friends and family spoke of at her funeral.
I only know the woman who claimed to love me
but taught me love shouldn’t hurt
while causing me the greatest pain I will ever know.
Even though she is gone
I still see her in my reflection and
hear her in my voice
and find traces of her in my laughter.
So I can’t hate her because so much of her is me
but I WANT to
At 28 years old my mother changed,
Coming up on my 28th year I fear I will too
Because people say I’m so much like
the woman I’ve never known.
And they tell me it’s a miracle,
with all that I’ve been through
that I haven’t changed too

Broken Earth

Beautifully unfolding messes fall to burnt earth floor
modern cities sway while aged fields wash away
poisoned earth poisons sky - clouds weep toxic tears
bewitched boxes build fears
a world so fragile being both distant and connected
an end is just a new beginning
Gaia transformations rip through false realities
She breaks - we break.

New York State (out) of Mind

"In New York
Concrete Jungle where dreams are made of
there's nothing you can't do

Now you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
These lights will inspire you"
-Alicia Keys


I’m Queens born
Brooklyn hardened
Manhattan upper east side glossy
LES bohemian
and Staten Island softened
I discovered nature
moving north of the Bronx
Climbing rocks in Rockland
and listening to Sleepy Hollow
winds tell tales
I’m a seed from this apple’s core
I bleed blue for Giants
and cheer on KNICKerbockerS and METropolitanS
holding a genetic grudge against pinstriped players
But this city is prison
Hidden under flashing lights
Insomniac gritty city
They say if you can make it here
you’ll make it anywhere
But what happens when dreams die?
And they don’t just die in project hallways
they die under Broadway’s bright lights too
Here, you can pick your poison
and drown your sorrows in distraction
Vegas ain’t got nothing on us
This city sweats sin
Lady Liberty is like Eve
this juicy apple so tempting
We’re like Snow White
without her 7 dwarves
because this poison puts our sanity to sleep
while chaos reigns
Justifying the insane
Like break dancers
we break our backs for pennies
tossed into tip jars
we call paychecks
Waging war for a living wage
but is there really such a thing
We settle for roaches and rats
because our addresses make us
bourgi
But it’s when it’s quiet and we’re all alone
many of us sit in uncomfortable silence
Because we don’t know who we are
We lost ourselves out there in the city din
but we’ll get up and do it again
It’s like our favorite drug
Melting pot of cultures and comforts
If they make it out there
you can find it here
so why would you ever leave?

I broke free from its spell for 2 years
Yet it called me back
Whispering that all my dreams
laid here in these boroughs
In this maze of buildings
Buildings that scrape skies
made of cold concrete, structured steel and glass
I thought I could just work hard
and play harder
But those whispers are now screams
Like the one’s heard in Bellevue’s white rooms
or within Creedmoor’s stone walls
This city pulsates fun and pain
It sucks us down
Bleeds us dry
But we still enjoy the ride
Those who get to break free
understand my words
Get the city out of your system
and you’ll start to see a difference
But how do you rehab from a life you’ve always known
Bad habits die hard
but here I am going for my second
and hopefully last round of rehab
South of Mason Dixon lines
where the Ghettos are grittier
but reality is soaked in
Just 4 hours and 4 states away
I’m still unable
to give it up cold turkey
Still needing a hit every now and again
Boxed dreams still in the back of my mind
Wanting to make it here
so I can go anywhere
This city is still home to the senses
Having the ability to heighten and disable
my defenses
I’ve loved and lost here
Born, bled and nearly died here
My first love and never-ending heartache
My Love-Hate relationship
My muse and inspiration

Queens born
Brooklyn hardened
Manhattan upper east side glossy
LES Bohemian
Staten Island Softened
Rocked in Rockland
Asleep in Sleepy Hollow
California sun grown
Alexandria mellowed

This Phoenix spreads her wings
but knows this nest will never be empty

I’m a seed from this sour apple’s core
NY will always be my first home

Marco Polo-tics

Marco Polo-tics
Hide and go seek with lunatics
Blood suckers and nightmare magicians
Living in a world I didn’t make
And trying to break
Free of this oppression
Of recession
And depression
With unlearned lessons
Like money management budget
Balances with checks
System needing overhaulin’
Pick up the phone – History is callin’
Reminders of forefather’s fights
Speak up – they’re taking your rights
Right out from under you
With one stolen term
That turned into two
While a nation stood still
At the collapsing of twins
Forgetting fallen heroes in PA fields
And pentagon walls that topple like tenpins
When in the course of human events…
But who’s moving forward
With THAT intent?
New era begins
This ‘messiah’ sworn in
So much hope because of a little melanin
But he’s just flesh blood and bone
Politician sitting on an oval office throne
I’ve heard stories of slaughtered sheep
I’ve seen dead souls
Sleeping on city streets
Who rallies for them?
Where are the ‘minute men’
Protecting false borders
The criminals are HERE
Destroying your sons and daughters
Where are the people
Trying to sell old marriage ideals
Keeping the ‘happy’ from being HAPPY
Busying courtrooms
With constant appeals
Ignorance and
Biblical false intelligence
Are one in the same
We all bleed red blood
Eat, sleep, work and play
In this country we call the US of A
States United, once divided
Oxymoronic civil wars
Those red white and blue flags
With X’s still soar
South of Mason Dixon lines
And even in the Union North
Unity’s been broken
Since long before the first ships set course
New land
Promise land
Built on immigrant backs
With calloused hands
My nation’s history
Comes from the slaughter, disease, rape, and ‘conquering’ of a people
Now you want to enforce your birthrights
And say you’re equal
Homeland security was arrows and bows
Now it’s black suits, military clothing and Hidden M.O.’s
Where is the justice for silenced voices
But they tell me they just made a few bad choices
Like being in the wrong place at the wrong time
I guess the clocks are wrong and the borders misaligned
There’s cowardice with guns
Bullets that end up in a mother’s son
It’s unnerving the divide between which colored finger
Pulled the trigger
Makes me wonder what they’ll say
If Obama starts a war
Justice is blind and we’re playing a game of hide and go seek
What are you scared of losing if you stand up and speak
Because next are your ‘inalienable human rights’
If you don’t start to fight

Theoretically Speaking

I am disoriented and detached
Disillusioned by these false facts
force fed to us in a box called reality

Deeply my soul yearns for somthing more
unable to grasp the intangible
in this world of materialistic mongering

Dancing energies with sources unknown
stuck in thought about worlds outside my own
Living that Life Unrealistic
Trapped in Macro seeing Micro

Where does the time go
when it was never here to begin with
Funny how time flies
all relative theories

Apples don't fall far from the tree
Motion laws and individual theories
Cognitave collective thought
Splitting the atoms of Adam and Eve

Red pill or Blue pill you decide
but that little white rabbit's
always looking for a ride

Vector Matrix calcuations
Linear planes of space and time
Needing more than just 3 dimensions
Everything else unseen

Black hole in the heart
no presence of light
Keeps the soul separate
dark matter into unseen light

Distressed and Disturbed
internal insanity
Depressing my depression
into waves of semi-logical clarity

Catch me while I'm sleeping

Catch me while I'm sleeping
Whisper to my dreams
and hold me like you'll never see me again

Warm day
cold nights
like deserts missing rain
teardrops on the pillow

Forever lost in your
dark magic eyes
soothing heaven tones
with the bottoming of your voice

We must have been
soulmates
lifetimes ago
Grains of sand
helping build Egypt's great
monuments
Feathers in Pocahontas'
headband
Stars side by side
in a view only Galileo could see

There's some part of you
written into my DNA
like no lipstick needed
red stain on my lips
The way the brown of my eyes
matched your perfect complexion

Though you are light years away
not even part of this reality
I can still feel you move through me
Astral plane intertwined

So catch me while I'm sleeping
sing your song to my dreams
and hold my hand
as we dance through the cosmos
eternally

Bottled Messages

I'm in love with a world I have never met
Traitor to my city
and even my mistress golden state

Longing to get lost in foreign dialect
Travel to the places
that caused me to turn pages

There are hidden masterpieces
by artists well and little known
that my soul wishes to soak up

Music of other cultures
that cross universal divides
and make my body move

Streets that hold more history
than any classroom can teach
call for me to explore them

There are beaches with waves that have yet to lap at my ankles
and sand yet to burn my soles
Where I will wish for bottled messages in romance languages

My knees have yet to bruise
on temple floors
while I have a private conversation with God

I was born into a city
housing samples of the world within its streets
A prerequisite to my ultimate dream
of finding who I am
by being lost in the world

Sad Clouds

I see pain painted
As clouds on the azure sky
I hear mothers sob
As bombs drop and sons die
And the worst deaths aren't physical
It's when your boy returns home
And you know he's no longer whole
He left part of his soul
On the battle field
In desert sands
Or in the bullet
In the body
Of another mothers son
Who sobs into her hands
Hands she once used for safe return prayers
Are only good now for catching tears
They fall like raindrops
From sad clouds

C-O-N-spiracy

I'm tired of theories
About conspiracy theories
Twisted truths
Turned lies
That lie on the tongues of those
Willing to spread the word
When they are still unclear of the language

Repetitive regurgitation
Of the secrets of organizations
When your knowledge has no fact or any more basis
Than what you read in a passing blog or
Off the lips of a stranger
Get the facts to back
Your false ideals
Instead of kicking around
The grown up version of he said/she said

But then you gotta throw in the good book
Still unable to separate church and state
Still passing judgment
About being judged
By a jury that could care less
I'm tired of hearing about the man
'Cause we haven't seen him in ages
And I must apologize before I say this
But if life's such a bitch
You should be looking for a she
Not a he
To blame for your ass backward
twisted 'can't believe it's not true' theories

And if the system is so flawed
Follow Gandhi’s lead
And be the change you wish to see
Stop flapping gums
and do something
Don't tell me how the system is too big to fight
when I bet you don't even do so much as pray at night

You manifest what you talk about
And you talk about how nothings right
But you live the same cycle from day to day
And at the end of it all wonder how it got this way

8 years of BS
And how soon we forget
His replacement is far from heaven sent
Not understanding why you claim your independence
But let others run your life
He said 'We are the change we have been waiting for'
Yet you're still waiting on opportunity and change
To come a'knockin at your front door

I'm almost amused by these false prophets
Who claim they refused to be led like sheep
To slaughter
But refuse to use their eyes
Being blindfolded by lies

And under all their talking
You can almost hear their collective
Baaahhh

Sheep, pigs, and wolves - oh my!
Endangered bald eagle on standby
Right wing
Left wing
Then those sitting in the middle
Yet we still lack the ability to take flight
To rise above and not lose sight
But I forgot - you all stand collectively alone

Talking too much to help those less fortunate than you
I'm not even talking about monetary donation
'Cause your theories say you're just paying the devil some due
But when was the last time you donated a helping hand
Rolled up your sleeves and fed your fellow man
Or planted a tree to help save mother earth
Or took the time to educate our youth
Actions that speak so much louder that all your spoken 'truth'

Actions activity activism
I'd almost respect you more
if you kicked ass instead of just taking names
So who's really to blame
They make moves
While you're all talk
But you plan to win the battle
Without even taking a walk
Like your grandparents, parents, and even brothers and sisters have
Willing to stand for what they believed was right
You sit on your couch
Idiot box brainwashed
Read blogs from your bed
Becoming obese with false knowledge
Force feeding any ear who's brain’s half dead

But I bet you'll take these words
Tell me how I'm so misled
Try to make it seem like I don't know what I've said

See, I had a soap box I used to stand on and speak facts
But I stepped down
Seems the people just like the drama
And there's plenty of that with you around

I spend my time trying to educate and empower
All those I come across to be a better version of themself
You claim you care about the world
But wrap it in your fabled point of view
At the end of the day your just a dusty broken record
Sitting up on 'the man's' shelf claiming to be brand new

Old Man

On the bus
There is an old sad man
With no light left in his expression
As if he's tired of living
But just exists
Here and now

His face is weathered
Mouth in permanent frown
Graying eyes that stare into
the distance
Behind them
You can see his mind
Stuck in a memory

Maybe he hears my thoughts
of how
What I'm sure was once
A strong athletic handsome young man
can let time and life
steal away from that light
And leave behind
A frail worn body
With nothing to smile about

And he's riding this bus
The same way he's riding through his existence
Just waiting to get off at his stop

Brooklyn 2:48pm

Brooklyn 2:48PM
"Utica, Utica, Utica"
Is the corner I'm standing on
Crown Heights
Train Station

"Taxi, Taxi, Taxi"
Another man calls
(2) Dollar cabs compete for passengers
47, 17, 46
No, those are bus numbers
Not today's lottery

"Newport, Newport, Newport"
Nicotine peddler calls
Something about this
Reminds me of old merchant days
Shouting goods and services offered

"You Know?..."
Followed by the laughter of two
20 something year old girls
Who look better in 'skinny' jeans
Than I ever will

Loud melodic horns
combating with frustrated bus drivers
Passengers going home
Or to work
Or shopping
(Kings Plaza!)

4 Train
Last stop
I walk down Utica
Make a left on Carroll

The more things change
The more some things stay same

Cold December Day
On a bright Brooklyn block

Language

I want to get lost in your language
Dialect of sacred, secret words
Tattooed on dancing tongues
I want to rename every inch of your anatomy
Creating the opening to our love story
You’re such a cunning linguist
Even your fingers tell a tale
As they leave trails down my thighs
Sips of air and sighs
Whispered names
Broken syllables
And feelings that defy words
When the only language was that
Of gods and angels
Do you think Eve spoke to Adam
The way we speak to each other

Feasting on Innocence

He ate innocence
for breakfast
Lips of indecency
teeth of lies
housing serpent tongue

Clothing made up
of the purest sin
because he truly is
the sultan of spin
Abel to lace
deception with thin
strands of truth

His extensive vocabulary
cast a smoke screen
that hid all he didn't know
Spouting out so much
bullshit
it was a wonder
he could speak at all

Skin fair
with black ice heart
complete
with a hole
in the soul
he didn't own

Sadist,
thriving off the pain
he couldn't feel
living vicariously
through his victims

Presenting himself
as a false prophet
and romantic
Sucking them down
one by one
until they were all
bitterness
and crumbled dreams
Empty shells
he could haunt

He bed bodies
as morgues stacked
corpses
Delivering a lethal injection
to all those he claimed
to love
and destroying life
when it sparked

Never any
fair exchange
but always
unseen robbery

If he were a woman
he'd be called a black widow
But why disgrace
the onyx madam

Slithering sickness
dressed up well
with Cheshire grin
Able to disgust those
in the lowest
of hell's pits

They all loved him
many still do
giving in to
soft spoken words
dripping with ill intent
stuck behind bars
of illusion

And when he's worn them
down to dust
He'll already have
another soul
to feed on

*Creation

Make of me
what you will
I leave my body exposed to you
like a tilted neck
before Dracula's fangs
Drink me in
absorb me
Spit me back out
and mold me to your desire
Just never stop touching me
Never let my skin grow cold
with the absence of your hands
Like play dough to a child
transform me into your greatest
affair
lover
slave
mistress
Feel
The divine softness of my curves
The hardened bones in my back
The moisture of my core
The heat of rushed blood to my cheek
The quickened beat of my pulse
The shallow movements of my chest
as I lay wanting you
Spread me like water color
across a canvas
Make me move for you
Invent a game for us to play
and change the rules as we go
Orchestrate the moans that I make
into a beautiful symphony
Make me your masterpiece
Turn me into your Mona Lisa
your Sistine Chapel
Make me into your map to the heavens
like the great pyramids of Egypt
Read me
like a great book
Turn my pages into
your never ending story
Drain me
make me evaporate like the summer rain
and breathe me in
as I turn to air
Caress my limp body
back into arousal
and with your kiss
exhale life back into me
Mark me as your own
leaving your signature
in the form of nips to my shoulder
and the welt of your hand on my backside
Create me
turn me into a real woman
with your magic dust
and secret words whispered in my ear
Scorch me with
the intensity of your passion
Until I simmer to ash and amber
Then return me to earth
and let God create and Eve to your Adam